The Truth About Kritiker
by Pyrochan
Summary: Or when Manx and Birman take matters into their own hands ^_^ Based a little bit after the series, but before the OVA. I edited bits and pieces to keep it PG-13 ^^;; YAOI, various pairings...


The Truth About Kritiker...

(Or when Manx and Birman take matters into their own hands)

Author's Notes: Another attempt at humor here...kinda stupid humor. I'm so much better at writing angst. Ever wonder exactly _why_ Weiß doesn't live in the flowershop in the OVA? well, besides the fact that they got 'new' lives and all that... I got the idea of this from one of my rp groups that I'm in. Yeah, scary. ^^;;; Oh, and sorry about this being in script form...I know some readers hate that.

Disclaimer: These bishounen do not belong to me. *sobs* They belong to Takehito Koyasu *swoons* and Project Weiss and whoever owns them that I didn't list here. Speaking of which, I'm sure someone has written something similar to this (I mean there's over 2000 Weiss fics on FF.net alone, like someone hasn't conceived this idea). I don't plagiarize fics. I didn't copy this from someone else's work, so if it looks similar, don't email me with a 'You %#^%$&%*-ing copycat' message or something.

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*at Kritiker's hideout. Birman enters an office*

Birman: They still aren't screwing each other. *tosses a folder onto the desk*

Manx: Still? They all live in the same building, their rooms are close by...and nothing's happened?

Birman: The Kritiker spies say they haven't seen anything. [all those schoolgirls are actually Kritiker spies, bwahaha] 

Manx: Hmm...this definitely poses a problem for us and the rest of all those yaoi fangirls out there.

Birman: We should close off the floor that Youji and Omi's rooms are on. That way those two would have to move into Aya and Ken's rooms.

Manx: *tapping her chin* Yeah...but do you think Abyssinian would actually buy that excuse?

Birman: That boy...do you know how many times I've wanted to put Viagra in his coffee?

Manx: I did that. But Youji ended up drinking Aya's coffee.

Birman: Oh my.

Manx: *nods* I barely got out of there alive. A Youji _without_ Viagra in his system is bad enough. *shivers*

Birman: So about the problem at hand...

Manx: Maybe we could move them into a smaller flowershop?

Birman: With only a one-bedroom studio upstairs.

Manx: A motor home would be nice for them.

Birman: But they don't need another vehi---oh.

Manx: XD

Birman: XD

*at the flowershop the next day*

Manx: So you see, assassins shouldn't stay in one place for very long.

Aya: True. But where can we get a place and still keep under cover?

Youji: I hope I get my _own_ bathroom this time! Sharing with the rest of these fashion-challenged guys is bad enough. I need at _least_ an hour to myself in there.

Ken: Baka. What do you expect me to do, use a tree?

Youji: Use the bathroom _before_ I get up. Surely you piss sometime before noon?

Omi: *turns to Manx* And I'll need more space for my computer too.

Manx: Rest assured, we made the best arrangements we could.

Birman: *nods* For the good of Kritiker.

Manx: Allow us to show you your new home.

*they all walk outside to the 'new' flowershop*

Manx + Birman: The Weiß-mobile!

Aya: -_-

Ken: O.O

Youji: o.O

Omi: ^^;

Manx: Well?

Omi: Manx-san, tell me we're not all gonna live in there?

Manx: Just you four boys.

Aya: ... ... ...!!

Birman: The front will be where you eat, sleep, etc...while the back will serve as a mobile Koneko no Sumu Ie.

Ken: Are you crazy?! Flowershop and residence??

Youji: There can't be more than one bedroom in there...

Manx: *pulls out a clipboard and looks at it* It's all one room, actually. The only separating section is the flowershop.

Aya: Anoooo...

Youji: I call the bed. That's all I say. I need my proper beauty sleep.

Aya: MY BED!

Manx: Why don't you two share?

*Aya and Youji look at each other*

Youji: Yeah, Aya, why don't we share? *winks*

Aya: No.

Ken: Do you want to share the couch with me and Omi then?

Omi: Ken-kun, when did I ever say--

Ken: Well, we do need a place to sleep, unless you'd rather be on the floor, ne?

Omi: Iie... *blushes*

Aya: I'll sleep on the floor.

Birman: Damn!

*Aya looks at Birman quizzically*

Birman: Er--Damn, look at the time. Well, we've got to be going.

Manx: You boys get packing! You start sleeping in the Weiß-mobile tonight!

Weiß: ...

*First night in the Weiß-mobile*

Youji: Really, Aya, you can share the bed with me.

Aya: *unrolling sleeping bag, nearby the bed* No.

Youji: I won't rape you in your sleep, honest.

Aya: *shudders*

Omi: *unfolding blanket and placing it on the couch* Ken-kun, are you sure about this?

Ken: Yes. And put that blanket away. We'll be sharing one. *grabs out his blanket with soccer ball pictures all over it*

Youji: *laying in the bed, grinning at Aya* The floor is stiff, Aya. Very, stiff. More stiff than when your --ah, well the floor is just stiff.

Aya: *rolled over on his side, facing the wall* Go to sleep Youji.

*Omi and Ken are situated on the couch*

Omi: Ken-kun! *blush*

Ken: Oh! Sorry Omi, my hand slipped.

Omi: No...it's ok. You can put your hand there if you want. It just surprised me, that's all.

Youji: Do you want some company, Aya? I could sleep on the floor with you.

Aya: ... *pretending he's asleep*

Youji: Of course, we'd have to share the sleeping bag.

Aya: *visibly shudders*

Youji: Aha, knew you weren't asleep.

Ken: Omi, could you shift your position a bit. It's kinda uncomfortable.

Omi: *shifts his position, pressing closer to Ken* Ken-kun...

Ken: Yeah?

Omi: What's that hardness pressing against me?

Ken: Ah! It's...er...nothing!

Omi: It feels large...

Ken: *blushes*

*Aya gets up and heads towards the fridge*

Youji: Manx says there's a bottle of juice in there just for you.

Aya: *opens fridge* Oh? *pulls out juice and examines it*

Youji: Yeah, a home-warming gift for you, she said. She didn't give me anything *pouts* I don't know why she specifically told me not to drink it though...

Aya: *stops mid-gulp, the juice is half gone* Huh?

Youji: Nothing.

Aya: *puts the juice back in the fridge and then heads to the bathroom*

Ken: Kinda thirsty... *goes to the fridge* Ooh! Juice!

Youji: Don't! That's Aya's!

Ken: Oops... *puts the empty juice bottle back in the fridge*

Omi: Aya-kun's gonna be mad.

Ken: Don't worry. *crawls back on the couch* Omi, did I ever tell you, you were cute?

Omi: Um...no.

*Aya gets out of the bathroom and goes to his sleeping bag, he pauses, then looks at Youji*

Youji: What?

Aya: You're sure you won't mind us sharing a bed? 

Youji: Course not. *scoots over and Aya climbs in the bed*

Aya: Yeah, it is more comfortable here.

Youji: Told ya. *yawns and closes his eyes*

*all is quiet in the Weiß-mobile, except for Omi's giggling every few moments* 

Omi: Ken-kun, that tickles.

Ken: You want me to stop?

Omi: No, it also feels kinda good.

Ken: Know what else would be good?

Omi: Hm?

Ken: *starts gently kissing Omi's neck and shoulders*

Omi: Ah, Ken-kun, that does feel good.

Aya: ... ... ...

Youji: *rolls over in his sleep, his hand landing on Aya's groin*

Aya: o.o Anoooo...Youji...

*Youji's hand starts massaging Aya*

Aya: Ack, stop. *gasps for breath* Ah, no, just keep doing that...

Youji: *opens his eyes* Feels good?

Aya: Ah! I thought you were asleep!

Youji: *scoffs* How can I fall asleep with this beautiful man next to me?

Aya: ...

*Youji moves his hand from Aya's groin to place it on Aya's cheek. He leans in and kisses his lips*

Omi: Ah! Ken-kun, that feels _really_ good!

Ken: Yeah?

Omi: Just..._don't_ stop!

Youji: Damn, Aya, I never knew you were such a good kisser.

Aya: Mm...wanna know what else I'm good at?

Youji: Ok!

*Kritiker hideout, next day. Birman walks into an office*

Manx: Well?

Birman: Your plan worked.

Manx: Which one?

Birman: Both. The mobile home and the juice for Aya.

Manx: Ooh. Which pairing?

Birman: Our spies said that it started out as KenxOmi and AyaxYouji, then they kinda switched around and it eventually became a mass orgy.

Manx: Hehehehe.

Birman: Yaoi fangirls around the world are especially estatic.

Manx: And the video cameras?

Birman: What video cameras?

Manx: *eyebrow twitches* The video cameras that Schwarz payed _a lot _of money to be set up just for tonight. *pauses* No wonder that Oracle guy payed so well. He's pre-cognitive, right? He probably foresaw the mass orgy.

Birman: Um...no cameras were set up or turned on...

Manx: WHAT? Eep...Schwarz is not gonna be happy...

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Owari! ^_^ well, unless you want to scroll down and read the little Omake I wrote as sort of an afterthought to this fic.

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Pyrochan's Omake -er- Behind the scenes?

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*the previous night, near the Weiß-mobile*

Schu: *talking telepathically* Psst, Nagi! Brad wants to know if you've set up and turned the video cameras on.

Nagi: *grumbling* Almost.

*Schuldig, Brad, and Farfarello are hiding in the bushes nearby. Schuldig is watching Nagi work. Brad is seated on an over-stuffed satin pillow on the ground, with Farfarello next to him shining a flashlight on the calculator that Brad is doing various calculations on*

Schu: Nagi says he's almost done.

Brad: *nods, typing in some more numbers* Damn, I should've foreseen those Kritiker idiots wouldn't get it right.

Farf: Idiots. *giggles*

*Nagi comes back from setting up the cameras*

Nagi: Everything is set.

Brad: *nods again* Good. Farfarello, if you shine that flashlight in my eyes again, I'll start singing gospel songs.

Farf: *slightly cringes* But I love it when your glasses get shiny. You look so _evil_.

Schu: I think it makes him look _sexy_. Oh, but Brad's always sexy

Brad: *is not amused, and ignores Schuldig* Ok,. According to my calculations, we'll have to sell copies of this video to make up for lost money and make profit for ourselves.

Schu: You needed a calculator to figure that out?

Brad: *refrains from hitting Schuldig, staying very calm* No, I just wanted to see how much profit we would make. *sighs* I love money.

Schu: More than me?

Brad: *thinks* Yes.

Schu: Oh that's it. No sex tonight.

Farf: Hehe, you told him, Schu.

Brad: *ignores* I foresee sales will be good, so our wasted money to those incompetent Kritiker agents won't matter.

Schu: Why don't we just steal the money back?

Brad: It doesn't matter. Do you know how many yaoi fangirls there are out there to manipulate? Even yaoi fanboys too.

Schu: Like you?

Brad: You are too. Anyway, we have a monopoly here. We can sell these videos at unreasonable prices and use that money to build our empire and rule the world! *refrains from doing a very un-Brad like evil cackle*

Schu: Whatever you say Brad.


End file.
